Cosmic News

The Poo Platoon Strikes Again

A rogue alien and a member of the self proclaimed notorious 'Poo Platoon' gang, has been breaking into homes and defiling microwaves with his poo.
The Poo Platoon Strikes Again

Bringing you the latest scoop on the radioactive poop – and no, we're not talking about a new flavor of Space Swirls ice cream. This peculiar incident involves an alien, a microwave, and a fecal matter that's gone rogue. Hold your noses and fasten your seatbelts, folks, because we're diving headfirst into this stinky situation. 

There have been reports of a rogue alien and a member of the self proclaimed notorious 'Poo Platoon' gang, who has been breaking into homes and defiling microwaves with his poo. They described the solar system squatter as a small, green-skinned individual, with an extremely large head and small, black beady eyes. He is known to wear a blue and white jumpsuit and is often seen carrying a backpack.

An alien stands outside someone's door. Security camera footage.
Security footage released by UBI (Universal Bureau of Investigation). This image was captured by a victim's doorbell and shows the suspect in question.

Reports have surfaced that the interplanetary poopetrator leaves the microwaves running for 60 minutes, irradiating the poo and causing widespread contamination in the homes he targeted. The situation has become so dire that the authorities have had to shut down and quarantine off the third neighborhood this week.

A group in yellow hazmat suits stand outside a suburban home. Green fumes emanate from the home.
The third neighborhood this week that has been forced to be quarantined.
The sight of the radioactive poo left behind was so surreal that it caused one witness to question whether they had accidentally ingested a psychedelic space drug. 

Another witness stated that, “even space suits couldn't protect us from the stench.”

A group in yellow hazmat suits stand outside a suburban home. Green fumes emanate from the home.
A hazmat crew prepares to remove the irradiated poo.

A resident who wishes to remain anonymous shared their traumatizing experience and how it has impacted their life, "I cannot express how absolutely disturbed I was to find my microwave defiled with radioactive poo. The stench was incredibly unbearable. It smelled like a cross between burnt popcorn and a supernova explosion. And the sight of it… It was just too much for me to handle. It was like something out of a nightmare. I can’t sleep any more. And when I finally do, I keep dreaming about it. The poo. Except I can’t escape it. When I try to leave all the door handles are missing in my house. I turn around and see the poo. Just sitting there. Bubbling. Then it begins to glow, and soon it grows – into a giant poo monster. It's trying to say something. I think, help me? I’m not sure, I wake up everytime in a cold sweat. "

The victim continued, "I've had to undergo therapy to deal with the trauma of the incident. I just keep replaying it over and over in my head. The thought of someone breaking into my home and contaminating it with radioactive poo is just too much to bear. I feel violated and unsafe in my own home."
A microwave that has been confiscated. It is currently undergoing further testing to investigate the possible growth of a lifeform.

The affected residents have been evacuated, and a team of experts has been dispatched to contain the radioactive material. The situation is being closely monitored, and the authorities are urging all residents to stay away from the area until the threat has been neutralized.

In the wake of this unprecedented incident, many residents have begun to call the assailant the “Black Hole Bomber”. The Universal Bureau of Investigation (UBI) has opened up an official investigation into the matter. We caught up with one of the investigators, Majin Ba'bong, who had this to say, “We have been making an incredible amount of progress in this investigation and we are confident that we know who the individual is.” 

When asked about how certain they are, special agent Ba'bong went on to say, “We're using some cutting-edge tools to help identify the suspect. One of the tools is a specialized DNA sequencer that can analyze the genetic material in the radioactive poo left at the crime scenes."

The DNA sequencer reads the sequence of nucleotides in the DNA, which allows us to compare it to known genetic databases. This can help us identify the species and ultimately the individual responsible for the crime.
A white portable DNA sequencer device sits on a table.
A portable DNA sequencer used to read nucleotides in organic substances. In this case, radioactive poo.

The local authorities are urging all residents to remain vigilant and report any sightings of the Poo Platoon or suspicious activities to the police immediately. They are also reminding everyone to stay away from the quarantined area until further notice. The investigators are working around the clock to gather evidence and track down the suspect. 

The UBI is also encouraging the intergalactic community to come forward with any information that may help in their investigation. We will continue to bring you updates on this bizarre and unusual case as they become available.

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